Remote Control
by Tyhir
Summary: The Akatsuki enjoy watching TV as much as the next person does, however what happens when all of their favorite shows play at the same time? The fight for the remote control ensues. Crackfic!


**Remote Control**

* * *

Kakuzu always woke up obscenely early morning, one would think he'd have a certain work routine going on such as praying like Hidan or meditating like Leader or even taking a shower like Kisame.

But no, the reality behind Kakuzu waking early in the morning was to simply sit on the massive red, leather couch, grab the control remote and watch T.V and enjoy it as long as possible until his infernal teammates rose.

Nonetheless he still fought for the remote like hell; His teammates had such terrible tastes.

Funnily enough, the person he least wanted to see on the mornings was always the second to first in waking up after him. Hidan did his morning rituals before he did anything else thus he had his upper torso covered in dried blood.

"Oi, oi, 'Jashin-sama's Pain' is on!" He complained. "Quick! Shuffle to channel 666!"

"Forget it." Kakuzu growled. "I am not going to put that piece of shit on."

"You've watched T.V for the past three hours!"

"And?"

"It's my fucking turn now!"

"No, besides, this show is so much better."

"Like hell it is!" And Hidan lunged himself at Kakuzu, biting, punching, kicking and cursing at each other maliciously, oblivious to the fact that the control remote was slipped under their grasp by a sneaky clay snake, who slithered quietly to its owner who had already settled in the corner of the couch lazily with his stark yellow, mush-room clouded printed pajamas.

"'Who wants to be a millionaire?'" He read out loud the channel's name before he blew a raspberry in critical amusement and changed the channel until he found the one he was looking for; 'Art Attack'.

At the sudden change of soundtrack, Kakuzu and Hidan froze and turned ever so slowly to face a sleepy, uncaring Deidara.

"I was here first you dumb, blonde!" Hidan who was on top of Kakuzu readied to assault the blonde when Kakuzu threw his arm at him, closed his fingers on his ankle and threw him to the other side of the room.

"Kakuzu, you asshole!" Screamed the Jashinist in mid air before he crashed against the wall.

Deidara became slightly aware of a shadow hovering over him and ever so innocently raised his head to confront a threatening Kakuzu.

"Nice of you to join me, Kakuzu, hm." Said the other chillingly before he returned his attention to the T.V. "They got a special on clay today; it's awesomeness can't possibly compare to mine but I'd give them a pat on the back, hm."

Before the blonde could say anymore Kakuzu grabbed Deidara's wrist, snatched the control remote, sat and changed the channel. The perplexed blonde looked at his hand then at Kakuzu then at the T.V and back to Kakuzu. "Hey!"

Kakuzu shoved him off the coach, a tad bit too hard, and the blonde goes flying towards the other end of the room.

At the momentary silence Kakuzu laid back and enjoyed the show. His victory hardly lasted as he felt two chakra's flare on either side of him with killing intent. He unlaces his eyes off the screen to grant the youngest team members a 'bitch please' look before he returns his attention to his show.

As expected Hidan and Deidara let out a battle scream and lunge at him and Kakuzu readies his retaliation as his stitches become undone and- none of them can move, frozen on the spot. The three look at each other in confusion for a split moment before realization hits them hard when a petite red head walked past them with a bored expression.

"My turn." He muttered lowly, taking the control from Kakuzu's slack fingers and sitting on the other side of the couch while his finger performing the jutsu flipped and moved and at his whim he had the three S-rank criminals far from his view, with another whip of his hand he had Deidara tap dancing while Kakuzu and Hidan danced the Ceilidh* together.

"I am going to kill you for this, Sasori, hm!" Swore Deidara while Kakuzu and Hidan were to busy giving each other threatening glares, that is when Hidan's face started going pink to slightly purple and Kakuzu's eyes went wide with horrified realization.

"I think I'm going to get fucking sick." He warned weakly.

"Don't you dare. Puke on me and I will annihilate you."

Sasori didn't even bother looking at them, too intrigued with the the movie playing on the screen as a single, silent tear slipping from the corner of his eye.

"NO! Pinocchio! NOOO!" Suddenly cried the masked nin, jerking Sasori out of his trance and making him acknowledge Tobi sitting next to him, hands on his head, covering his one hole, occasionally splitting his fingers apart so he could spy through them. "I didn't know you liked this movie Sasori-kun, Tobi likes it too!"

Sasori's face went bright red and shuffled through the channels randomly.

"I don't; it's a terrible movie." Sasori spat out and stood from the couch and left the room, releasing his hold on the other three nins.

Kakuzu realizing he could control his limbs once again let go of Hidan as if he had burned himself, leaving the Jashinist to spin uncontrollably until the zealot stopped and slammed a hand to his mouth and ran to the bathroom, the noise reached all the way to the living room. Deidara for one had already regained composure and was eyeing his prey out.

He wasn't the only one as Kakuzu readies to attack as well.

"Don't get in my way, or I'll blow you to bits, hm."

"Please."

"Please yourself, hm!"

Deidara is the first to move and Kakuzu intercepts the bomber, making the blonde fall to the ground before the miser tries to overpass him only to be trapped in a large clay centipede. Kakuzu tore the centipede to pieces and grabbed the blonde. The two begin to fight, leading it to be a one sided battle as Kakuzu takes the upper hand on close-quarter fighting and soon has Deidara dangling high over his head with his fingers on his neck. "You were saying, midget?"

"Ka...tsu..." Mumbled the blonde and Kakuzu realizes there is a little bird chirping on his shoulder.

"Son of a-"

_BANG!_

Meanwhile, Kisame strides into the room stretching and yawning loudly, one arm carrying a bowl of cereal while another scratched his bum cheek, drowsily dragging himself to the couch, taking notice of the massive hole on the wall before he shrugged unconcernedly.

"Ne, Tobi what the hell are you watching?" He mumbled tiredly, eyes opening slightly to try and see through the blurry haze, he blinked and rubbed his eyes. No way...Actually, considering who the person was, it was rather believable.

"Vamonos! That means, let's go in Spanish!" Spoke a girly voice through the speakers. Tobi nodded in apprehension as he repeated the word with a very poor accent.

"Why are you trying to learn Spanish, Tobi?" Asked the shark man with curiosity.

"Because its pretty!"

Kisame made a face, he clearly disapproved. "I beg to differ."

"Do you dislike it because you can't pronounce the words properly Kisame-san?"

"What!? Don't be ridiculous, of course I can! My Spanish is perfect; check this out," He sucked in a breath to make his chest stick out proudly. "Tacos ey nachos gustar a mi mucho."

Tobi looked at him in adoration before he sighs out heart-touched. "Oh, Kisame-san that was beautiful, what did you say?"

"Hello, how are you." Grinned the blue man with pride. "Told you."

His smile faded when the T.V was blocked by a furious, heavy breathing albino.

"Hi, Hidan-san!" Cheerfully welcomed Tobi only to have the control remote taken from his hand within a blink of an eye and changed the channel, then turned around and allowed himself to fall unceremoniously on the couch with a loud huff.

"That wasn't nice man, he was here first."

"Jashin-sama is first, dumb-asses."

"Now look what you did! You made him cry!" Kisame accuses as Tobi begins to tremble and hid his face under arms, a little whimpering escaping now and then. "Come on man, change the channel, that show ain't good for kids! You're going to traumatize him."

"What? It's just a little bit of blood."

"The camera is being splattered with blood!" Kisame wailed. The sound of a chainsaw sounded and Kisame decided he'd watched enough.

"Oooh, that looks tasty." Comments Zetsu as he crawled out of the floor, licking his lips. "Hmm."

"As I said, just a little bit of blood." Hidan replied innocently before his eyes caught movement on the corner of his eyes.

Kakuzu and Deidara were in mid air, hands out in front of them with scowls on their burned faces.

Kisame's eyes went wide and his arms rose in front of his face, Tobi looked up and cocked his head to the side, Zetsu had his ventus leafs close and Hidan simply turned his head and cursed obscenely loud.

The collision was loud and harsh; Kisame's cereal was spilled, the couch was broken in half and cotton was spread all over the room, fluttering to the floor slowly as the fight for the control remote ensued. None was aware of a quiet Itachi walking on them with blank expression.

"Kakuzu-san! Stop, you're going to kill him!"

"That's what I'm hoping!"

"NO! He's your partner!" Tobi cried while Kakuzu strangled Hidan, shaking him back and forth. Tobi's arms wrapping around the taller man and trying to pry him off. Then the three of them were caught in a massive centipede and Deidara grinned at them victoriously but before he could give the command Kisame jumped on him.

"Are you effing crazy?!"

"I wasn't going to blow them up, hm, well maybe just crisp them up a little, but that's all!"

"Do your shenanigans outside!"

"Don't call my art shenanigans! My art is the epitome of beauty! MY art is a BANG!"

"Oh, shut up Deidara." Zetsu slurred. "_You're giving us a headache with all your rubbish_."

Deidara scoffed in utter disbelief and offence but before he could retaliate the two of them had vines wrap around their feet and drag them high in the air, nonetheless that didn't discourage the two men from kicking and punching one another while upside down.

Itachi sighed, and attempted not to roll his eyes, closed his eyes and slowly opened them to reveal an activated Mangekyo Sharingan.

"Tsukuyomi." He said loudly, which was still quiet considering it was Itachi, yet it managed to catch his teammates' attention.

Just as planned.

Several hours later, Konan and Pein walk into the living room, spotting the disaster of the broken couch, the spread out cotton and hole on the wall before they examined their members frozen on the ground; Deidara was face down, arms spread on each side of him like a cross, Zetsu was flat on his back, snoring loudly with a bit of drool leaving his mouth, some of it dropping on Tobi who was curled up to him.

Hidan and Kakuzu had their arms wrapped around one another lovingly, every so often mumbling words such as 'Jashin-sama' and 'Money...', the surprise they'd have when they'd rise. Kisame, on the other hand, was on his side, occasionally his face twisting into discomfort and angst, his limbs moving in a manner that resembled swimming, then he'd stop momentarily then resume with the same pattern, sometimes he'd whisper something, the only word understandable being; 'Fishermen'.

"I see you got everything under control, Itachi." Pein complimented. Itachi looked at his leader with no emotion whatsoever, red eyes greeting ringed ones.

"Hn."

"Be sure to have them ready before midday."

"Hn."

The duo left and Itachi returned to look at the T.V. Sasori entered the room and looked at the surroundings, one dare say, rather stupefied by the disaster, afore he turned to look at the T.V screen for a moment and glare at Itachi.

"You can't be serious."

Itachi looked at him from the corner of his eyes, Sharingan activated. "Amater-"

Sasori was quick to interrupt. "I'm kidding." Itachi arched an eyebrow haughtily when Sasori headed for the door and stopped to mutter lowly. "Not."

"Amaterasu."

Itachi might possibly have heard a few screams following his command but he granted the matter no further thought nor worry and returned to watching the show with glee.

Vampire Diaries was such an underrated show, in his opinion.

* * *

I hope there weren't too many mistakes, English is not my first language, but I hope you liked it! Please review :)

*Ceilidh- The Irish/Scottish dance that requires two partners, where they take each others hands and dance in circles and grab each other by using the crook of their arm and go in circles, switching between right arm and left arm simultaneously Youtube vid -) watch?v=WbduiBCo9Ug

*What Kisame said is terrible Spanish speaking-wise, writing-wise and grammar-wise but basically what he said is= I like tacos and nachos a lot. xD


End file.
